Gifts for a teenage daughter (11–15): let her choose

Between eleven and fifteen, a girl is building her own identity: clothes, music, her room, her friends. Something she chose says “this is me”. Something a parent chose often says “this is what I think of you” — and at this age, that is a sore spot.

Psychologists call it the need for autonomy: we experience things as our own when we get to decide about them. In teenagers that need is at its strongest, because they are only just starting to separate from their parents.

There is also a broader finding about gifts. In a study by Francesca Gino and Francis Flynn, recipients appreciated what they had asked for more than an unrequested “original” surprise. Givers, meanwhile, assumed the opposite — that a requested gift feels impersonal. With a teenage daughter this mistake costs even more: a miss doesn't end with a polite “thanks”, but with something sitting in a drawer, reminding her that nobody listened.

Letting her choose doesn't mean giving up on a personal gift. What makes it personal is that you listened and trusted her — not that you caught her off guard.

These gifts are usually well meant, but your daughter hears something else. You can spot them because they make more sense to you than to her.

There are several ways to leave the choice to her. They differ in how much work falls on you, how much on her, and how much surprise is left.

The card is where you get to be personal. Keep it short, no lecturing and no “when you're grown up”. Lines you can borrow:

The same goes for a grandmother, an aunt or a godmother, with one advantage: they can ask the parents what's on the list and avoid doubling up. The gifts that land worst are the ones more distant relatives choose based on how they remember the girl from three years ago.

If you have no idea at all, it's more honest to give money with a note on what it might be for than an item picked blindly. More ideas for grandparents are in Gifts for a granddaughter, and an overview for every age in Gifts for a daughter by age and stage. If you're also shopping for a boy of a similar age, take a look at gifts for a son by age.

A book in which your daughter is the heroine feels like magic to a seven-year-old. To a thirteen-year-old, as a surprise, it often feels childish — exactly the kind of gift she has outgrown.

It's a different story when she makes it herself. In the Hero of the Book creator she can pick a world and a plot, or write her own story, and choose one of 20 illustration styles, such as anime or graphic novel. The finished e-book is usually ready within 15 minutes. Older girls tend to make one for a younger sibling or as a gift for Grandma rather than for themselves — and that counts too, because they are the ones deciding. How such a book comes together is explained in Personalised book.